Dear Bossip,
I have been in a relationship since I was 16 years old. I married my first husband at 17 and had our first and second child.
He was in the military, and, a bit older than I, but he died in 2003 leaving me with a 2 year old and a 6 year old. I moved to a state I had never even visited. In 2004, I began dating a friend of mine, we will call him “Don.”
Don knew that I never wanted to get married again nor did I want more children. We became best friends and we began a relationship. During our relationship he asked me to marry him and I declined. Year 5 I became pregnant with our twins, which, yes, gives me a total of 4 children.
All of these years Don has helped my raise my 2 older children, and since the twins are his only kids, and we love each other, we bought a home together. He is a great father to all my children and he doesn’t separate them or show differences. My oldest is the only girl and she thinks Don basically walks on water and can do no wrong. Don is loving, caring, and everything a woman can want in a man. I love him and don’t ever want to live without him. I don’t deal with anything like other women complain about such as cheating, baby mama drama, etc.
So, why am I writing you? Don has had this ring for a while that I found when I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to be doing. (Since your readers are very judgmental, I bought a pretty pink gun that was too expensive and I was hiding it in the back of our gun safe.) I panicked when I saw the ring and I asked my closest friends (all male and family) what should I do. Everyone that I asked told me that if he asks me again and I don’t say yes our relationship will be over.
So, he asked me after Valentine’s Day (I hate Valentine’s Day). I didn’t say yes or no at first, but he was taking it really hard so I said yes. I don’t wear the ring much, but it is very pretty. He wants to get married next year. He’s hired a wedding planner, paid for the church and reception, and he is being really great. He stops people when he sees I am getting uncomfortable by questions and details. And, he tells me all I have to do is get my dress and show up. It really means allot to him, but my problem is I don’t want to get married.
We have a great life, more than most married people, we are still best friends and I love everything about him. I think he knows I don’t want to get married, but not the reason why. Here’s the thing: A few years ago we were drinking with friends and he was very drunk. I tried to get him to leave and we started arguing. In the argument he said he didn’t love me. I don’t know why he said it. I was crushed and I don’t think I’m over it. I am not an emotional person so people can’t tell when I am hurt. Although, this happened years ago, I have read your advice enough to know that when people tell you something then believe them.
I don’t like excuses but he says he doesn’t remember saying this, and his grandmother had just died, hence the getting drunk. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but do I have to get married to do it? Am I really just an idiot? – Don’t Want To Get Married
Dear Ms. Don’t Want To Get Married,
You two have a serious communication problem, and you don’t respect one another. You ignore each other’s requests because both of you are going to do what you want to do regardless of what the other person wants. Thus, he is forcing you to marry him because he doesn’t care what you want. He wants what he wants.
But, let’s back up for a minute. You met this guy and told him that you didn’t want to get married or have any more children. Yet, you get pregnant by him, have his children, and decide to buy a house together. Sweetie, you obviously didn’t listen to yourself, and follow your own words. If you didn’t want to have any more children, then why did you have his twins? Why not use protection, and not have unprotected sex? Why did you have more children, out of wedlock, and then buy a house together? You explicitly said no more children and no marriage. So, you reneged on your own word.
And, you should have known that if you bought a house together, and you want to play family that eventually he would want to get married, especially if he asked you previously to marry him. He wasn’t going to drop the issue, so you fooled yourself into believing it was over. He wants to be married, and he is making you do it regardless of your wishes. That’s problematic.
If you and he would have had a serious conversation about marriage, and you would have listened to one another, then you wouldn’t be in this predicament now. You would have known this relationship would not work out because you two want different things. It would have been much easier to walk away before you had more children, and bought a house together.
Thus, it leads me to believe that you don’t follow your own rules or being a person of your word. And, neither does he. Once you had his children, he probably felt he can change your mind. So, instead of asking you or hearing your wishes, he does what he wants, and he does it according to his plan. He is going to marry you and you are going to go along with the plan. Just like you had his children.
He bought a ring knowing you don’t want to get married, and when you reluctantly didn’t give him the answer he wanted he proceeded with his plan because ultimately you said yes. So, he is planning the wedding, coordinating the reception, paying for things, and he’s told you that all you have to do is buy a dress and show up. Who does that? Who pushes another person into doing something they don’t want to do? Who pressures someone and makes them feel obligated? Oh, yeah, your desperate-to-be-married fiancé.
By the way, I agree with your other male friends. If you had told him no when he asked you to marry him, then the relationship would have been over. I know you want to save it, and you feel he is a great man whom you want to spend the rest of your life with. But, if you two are not on the same page, and you have different goals and objectives in life, then saying yes to appease someone is not going to make you happy in the long run. You will forever be a part of their plans, their goals, and their objectives. You will always be appeasing the other for the sake of not wanting to hurt their feelings. You will live to regret it sooner or later, and you will eventually begin to resent them.
Ma’am, this is not going to work. If you don’t want to be married, and you are committed to not being married, then you need to tell him and stop these shenanigans. You have to be honest with him and tell him the truth. Otherwise, you are going to be miserable, angry, and depressed in your marriage because it’s something you don’t want. You are not even involved in the process. How miserable you must feel and be that he is excited about something you have no desire or excitement around. You are not even helping to plan your own wedding. I am sure that when the day approaches you are going to get even more miserable, angry, and depressed, and you may possibly stand him up at the altar.
Address this situation now and talk with him about this serious problem you both have. You don’t listen to each other. You don’t respect one another’s wishes, thus, you don’t respect your relationship. You both have agendas and goals, but they are not the same agenda and goals. You two want different things, especially as it relates to being married. It is a big step in being married. Before you go through with this you have to know the seriousness of this major life event. You’ve already committed to two other major life events – having more children out of wedlock, and buying a home together. The deeper this gets, the worse it will be to get out of.
Also, you stated that part of the reason you don’t want to get married is over something he said and him not being in love with you. He doesn’t remember it, but it apparently had a serious impact on you. Get into couples therapy and address these issues. They are underlying problems that you are not working on in your relationship. Marriage is not going to solve or fix these problems. You are going into a marriage reluctantly, unhappily, and against your wishes.
Yes, it may end your relationship, but you will be happy in the long run. You won’t be doing something that you don’t want to do. And, he will continue to be a great father to his children, and be a vital part of their lives. But, it just won’t be with you and he together. And, do not stay with a man for the sake of the children. You mentioned your eldest daughter loves him and adores him. Thus, it leads me to believe that you are marrying him for the sake of your children. Bad move. Don’t do it for the children. Do it for you. Besides, there are plenty of men out there who are not interested in being married, and would love to be a father to your children. You don’t have to settle and you don’t have to do something you don’t want to do in order to keep a man. He sounds great, and he appears to be genuine, but if you are not listening to one another, respecting each other’s wishes, and working together toward the same goals, then this will not work and you will end up regretting your decision later. – Terrance Dean
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